You Don't Have to Hold It All Together

What happens when everyone knows you as the strong one, but no one realizes how tired you are?

In Episode 62, Dora Alicia Praxedis explores the strong-woman identity that keeps us caring for everyone else while quietly struggling underneath it all. Dora shares how becoming a caretaker early in life, motherhood, and her cancer journey transformed her understanding of strength, support, and receiving love.

In this intimate conversation, you’ll explore:

✨ The difference between genuine strength and emotional armor
✨ Why asking for help can feel uncomfortable
✨ How to soften without giving away your power
✨ A gentle practice for identifying what you no longer have to carry alone

Mijita, you do not have to prove your strength through exhaustion. You can be powerful, supported, and held, too.

If this episode brings another strong woman to mind, share it with her and say, “You don’t have to carry everything with me. I’m here.”

Watch the video episode on YouTube, Apple, Spotify or listen wherever you enjoy your podcasts.

Follow @aymijitapodcast

Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia.

Transcript

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When No One Asks How You Are

SPEAKER_01 0:11

Can I ask you something? When was the last time someone looked at you? Not at what you do for them, not at everything you manage, not at how strong you are, and asked you, but how are you really? And when was the last time you answered honestly? Maybe people describe you as the strong one. You are the one they call when something goes wrong or everything goes to shit. The one who remembers what everyone needs. The one who holds the family together, keeps things moving at work, checks on everyone else, and somehow finds a way, even when you are running on empty or running on fuse, like I like to say it. People look at you and say, I don't know how you do it. But quietly, there may be a part of you whispering, I don't know how much longer I can.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

That is a lot. So I'm like, you don't have to hold it all together here.

SPEAKER_01 1:22

Okay.

The Strong Woman Identity

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Today I want to talk about the strong woman, identity. The version of us who learned how to carry everyone before we ever learned how to let someone carry us. And I know that is quite a bit. This is not a conversation about becoming less powerful. It is about discovering a kind of strength, okay? That does not require you to disappear. Welcome back to I Mijita, the podcast, where we embrace our raíces, reclaim our essencia, and create lives that feel wealthy from the inside out. I'm your host, Doralicia Praxedis. In this episode 62, the full second, full episode of season two, in the last episode, we talked about coming home to yourself. Today we are going a layer deeper because we cannot truly come home to ourselves while continuing to abandon ourselves for everyone else. If you have been called strong, independent, responsible, resilient, or the woman or the one who can handle it, this episode's for you. Now take a deep breath with me. You do not have to fix anything while you listen. You only have to be honest enough to notice what this conversation brings up for you. And you'll notice that I am wearing my glasses, and I'm actually gonna show you, okay, because we all go through it. So look at this. My eye is red. So girl, pop the blood vessel for those of you that are on watching me on the video. Um, I pop the blood vessel playing with my doggy, okay? Um, and I feel completely fine. I am doing great, but this is where you kind of see the real me, the behind the scenes. So I am not making this stuff up for sure. Um, and this is a gentle reminder for me that I have to slow down. And I am stressed with work and all these other things, which may or may not get into it today. But I just wanted to give you a little update on how I'm doing and where I'm at and why the glasses. So many of you don't see me. Usually I wear um the mascara, of course. I got that going on the abras, and then my hair is coming in really strong here. Um, but I don't have eyeliner because it's kind of hard to manage, like looking in there, and I really don't want to aggravate it more than I should. So that's a little update for y'all.

Learning Strength Too Young

SPEAKER_01 3:58

I have been thinking about how early some of us learn to be strong. Okay. For me, responsibility came very young. I learned how to pay attention to what other people needed. I learned how to take care of things, how to keep moving, and how to be dependable. Later, I became a mother at 16. So much of my life reinforced the belief that I had to figure things out, that I could not afford to fall apart. I had a little one to take care of. And there was so much about that version of me that I honor and I love and I completely cherish. She was resourceful, she was determined, she protected the people she loved, you know how you do or die. She built a life, raised a family, and developed a career and kept showing up every day. But I can also see something now that I could not see that back then. Being strong was not only my personality, sometimes it was my protection. So sometimes I've got it, like really meant. I did not want to disappoint, I did not want to become a burden, I do not know if it was safe to need something. I would rather do it myself than risk someone not showing up. And if I stop, I might finally feel everything I have been holding back. And of course, everything just comes up like a volcano. So maybe you realize that yourself in that, maybe you become the responsible daughter, the dependable sister, the friend who always answers the phone or the text or the thingy, the mother who makes sure everyone else is okay, especially in your family, the woman at work who solves a problem before anyone else even notices it. And so that's where, and because you were so good at carrying it, people kept giving you more to carry, like more stuff to do. So that's where I relate so much with that, because I was always praised as being the mature one, the responsible or the helpful one. And actually, just today, like

Proving Yourself Becomes A Habit

SPEAKER_01 6:00

at work and all this week, I've been feeling the shift. Like it's heavy. I've been emotional, like haven't been sleeping right, and it's because of all the hormones and that, and let you can attest to that. Um, but today I went to eat with my hubby, and we ate some bomb chilakiles, so good, here in um Glen Island, or Lombard, actually. Um, and my husband knows, feely knows, that I'm stressed. And part of it is this I that I have going on. Um, but yeah, I'm stressed. Like I stress about the money, I stress about like all the things that I have to do. Um, I wanted to record this podcast, you know, and that's where I kept saying to everybody, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Like my eye, yeah, it's it, I no siento nada, I'm good. But no, in reality, I'm not fine because I do need to talk about these things that are going on with me. Like my husband and I had a really good conversation about the money. Like, we are not guaranteed the tomorrow. Okay. So it's like, if we need to sell the house, we can sell the house. If we need to downgrade in like a car, or if we, you know, all these different things that come up and the expenses. Sometimes the kiddos, we don't even know if they're gonna be with us in the next three, four, five, ten years. So all these dreams of again checking off the boxes, of like buying the house, living the life, and that's where I sympathize with all my family. I grew up with you need to prove yourself. You need to prove yourself that you're successful and do all the things. But I keep saying I'm fine. I also remember when I was 16 and I became pregnant with my daughter Jocelyn. Whew, that I had to prove that I had to hold it all together, that I could do it, right? And I would do my homework and I was in honors class, advanced courses, and it was junior year when I had her in high school. Um, so going through just being a mom and then my senior year working and everything, my sisters, my younger sisters that are two and three years younger than me, they would help out. And my mom and dad would help out financially, but everything else, like I had to do my own. So schoolwork, work work, and then have a boyfriend, and then be a mommy, like all the different things. Student, daughter, you name it. Um, it was hard to prove to myself that I could do it. And then also going on to college, that was the other thing. Like, I wanted I had so many people naysayers. My parents even didn't think I could go on to college. They're like, Mika, just graduate. Um, because I didn't know statistic-wise, 30% of the um teen moms actually graduate high school, and that was a statistic back in 2003 when I had my daughter. So again, it was proving over and over again, like myself. In a way, being the oldest daughter, like being the older sister, um, that's where I kind of had that mother instinct. And I always kind of learned to kind of navigate like who's in the room, what do I need to do, figure things out. Being that firstborn, it's my mom and dad, well, my dad especially probably wanted a boy. Um, so I would help my dad out with all these different things. Like he was a mechanic at home, like on his side job. Like, yeah, he would always side hustle. And that's where I learned to kind of work the guy role. But then it's like anticipating all these needs, like especially with my sisters and having the maternal instinct at a very young age, at the age of five, actually. That's when I started caretaking for them and become the babysitter. So I've always kind of had this relationship with like safety and being able to take care of each other or have that competent competence that I'm able to do this job and I'm able to do it well. Um, in order for me to like I need to kind of hustle hard, do the things in order to have that worthiness, like that I'm worth it, that I'm able to do all these things and more. And honestly, I did not realize how tightly I was holding that identity until life put me in a season where strength could no longer mean doing everything by myself. Okay. So that's where I've always had to hold it all together. And just with all these different things happening in my world, that's where it's like letting go of that identity altogether. And

Cancer Forces Receiving And Rest

SPEAKER_01 10:33

cancer changed my relationship with strength. There were surgeries, the chemotherapy, the recovery, the appointments, changes in my body, and moments when I simply did not have the capacity to be the version of me who could manage everything. So my body required me to stop. It required me to receive help, to allow people to care for me, like to clean my butt even, to accept that love did not always have to come through what I could give. Sometimes love was being offered in what I was willing to receive. And I want to be honest, receiving was not always easy for me. It's never been easy for me. Receiving compliments hard. When you have spent a lifetime being the helper, like the giver, giver, giver, needing help can feel exposed. When people know you as a capable of saying, I cannot do this today, and feel like you are losing part of yourself, like, yeah, a part of me is grieving and realizing that the old way of surviving cannot carry you into the life you are becoming. But there was also a lesson waiting for me. I did not become less valuable when I could not produce, I did not become less lovable when I needed care. I did not stop being strong when I cried, rested, or asked for help, or admitted that something was hard.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

And neither do you.

Letting People Show Up For You

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Um, she helped me like bait. Um, she rubbed my feet. There was a lot of swelling that I had, and she gave me that medicine, the medicine that I didn't know I needed of laughing really hard. And I know my stomach would hurt. Um, I know we were talking with my grandma, and I no joke, I think I shared this in one of the episodes um in the first season where I peed myself. Like I couldn't hold it because it was I was laughing so hard, and I needed Feely to bring me some calzones, some undies. Um and again, laughter, healing, it's all just having that support um of bouncing someone, you know, bouncing something off with them. Um, unfortunately, she kind of went through it with one of her uh close people that she knew, and she was able to come by me and help me out. Um, so it it it was so relieving. Um but then again, it's like being held by these people, right? Like my other friend, she took off work and I actually cried because for someone to take the day off their their sacred PTO personal time off to spend with me, with moi, like that was wow. And for the first time ever, I had avocado toast, which I don't like. For those of you that don't know, I do not like avocados. Um, but my friend made me like them on toast and then with an egg on top, um, over easy. And that was the first time I ate over easy eggs. So there you go. We learn some new stuff all the time. And for me, just emotionally, like with my husband, being able like again, he relies on me heavily, like a lot, um, and so does everybody else. But for me to, especially with my mom, like having that bond with her of her being my mommy, oh my gosh, that was wow. Um, and then having prayers from all these different people, receiving that love, receiving the just receiving the compliments, the cookies, the flowers, the everything, like it feels so foreign to me. It felt so foreign to me to receive because I was the one that would always give. And so learning to receive that love um without receiving without trying to pay it back. Because, you know, sometimes we go from like tit for tat kind of thing where it's like, I give you because I want you to give me. Well, this time around, it wasn't even like that. It people just give, and that's where I give. When I give out to people, it's usually because I don't want to like I don't expect to receive back, but I know that reciprocity kind of works out um at times. And so I'm a strong believer too of like you plant and you sow what you plant and and you water and over time, but love, like receiving love. Um, different people kind of are very different in how they love each other. And so my definition of just strength changed since my diagnosis and my treatment because being strong doesn't mean like you're physically strong, it also means like mentally and emotionally, like you're going through all these things, and you definitely need that support from other people. So that's where I appreciate so much, so much the people all around me, because without them, I I, you know, I survived because I was strong. Like, yes, but I was also held by all these various people, my family, my friends. And being held was just not weakness, that was love, and that is love. Um, and we all learn different types of love. Um, and we love again in different ways. My mom loves, like, she's not the most lovey dubby person, but having having a hug from her and having her like cook and like help me out with the cleaning and stuff like that, or just anything. And then my in-laws also kind of helping in and jumping in, um, my sisters as well. It's it's just again being held is it feels so much different. And that's where I'm just so appreciative. So

Strength Versus The Identity Trap

SPEAKER_01 16:13

there is a difference between being a strong woman and being trapped inside the identity of a strong woman. True strength gives us choices. The identity tells us we have only one choice is keep going, no matter the cost. Just go, go, go. But the identity can sound like if I don't do it, it will not get done. Like nobody can do it as best as I can. I don't want to bother anybody. And that was my thing, too. Other people have it worse. And so you compare. I will rest after I finish everything. And that's where it's like, you're never gonna end that list. It is easier if I handle it myself or the favorite, I'm fine. But underneath all those words, our bodies may not be saying something very different. Our bodies may be exhausted, our hearts may be lonely, we may feel resentment towards the same people we keep rescuing, and we may be surrounded by people and still feel unseen because no one knows what is happening underneath all our competence. And here is something difficult but important when we continually show people that we do not need anything, they may begin to believe us. Like we're superwoman. That does not mean everything is our fault. It means we have an opportunity to tell a new truth. And so where are you saying, I've got it when you really need help? So just think about that, contemplate that. What are you carrying because it is truly yours? And what are you carrying because you are afraid to disappoint someone? And for me, it was very big, like disappointing others, especially my husband, my kids. Or when did you last let someone see you before you had a composed self? You like composed yourself, like you were falling apart. And so, what might happen if you stop proving how much you can endure? Many of

Breaking The Cycle Of Sacrifice

SPEAKER_01 18:10

us come from women who survived through sacrifice, women who worked, endured, stretched what they little they had, and made a way for everyone around them. So self-sacrifice. And we honor the resilience without believing that exhaustion is the only way to honor them. Maybe our healing is part of their answered prayer. Maybe they survived so that we could eventually learn how to live, not only how to endure, but just how to go through the motions of like that self-sacrifice, or even just being that person that they were praying for for to break the chain. And hopefully all that is making sense because ancestrally, like all the decisions that we make, all the all the it's pivotal. It's pivotal because we're breaking chains. And like my mom did it a certain way, my grandma did it in a certain way, and then you know, so on and so forth going back. But I know I am changing things for my future, like my daughter, my kiddos, my son, and if they decide to have kids, because nowadays now we don't even know if we're gonna have kiddos, we're gonna be grandparents, but it's changing generations going forward, and seeing yourself vulnerable, that sometimes that sometimes is a tricky subject for many of us because we want to appear like we're all put together, and that's how I wanted to come across too. Like, I'm all put together. And my gosh, I am getting fired up to the point where I am sweating. So

Asking Is This Strength Or Armor

SPEAKER_01 19:45

I want to offer you a question that I have been sitting with for a very long time. Like, is this strength or is this armor? Like, are we wearing like this mask, this careta? Strength says that I can do hard things and I am allowed to have support, but the armor says I cannot let anyone see me need anything. So those are two different things. And strength has boundaries. Armor says, or armor stays on duty all the time, like we're always on it. And strength can bend, rest, receive, and tell the truth. Armor protects us from disappointment, but it cannot also keep love from reaching us. So that's where you kind of have to you kind of put that shield up, right? So your armor was not wrong. It may have protected you when you needed it. We do not have to shame that part of you or rip it away, like you don't have to take it all off, like you know, like the knights and stuff. We can actually thank her. We can say, you helped me survive, but I do not have to work this hard, girl. Not anymore. And yeah, it's like we work so hard just to keep up with that charade. So softening does not mean that you become passive, it does not mean that you lower your standards or tolerating disrespect or walking away from every responsibility. Softening means that you stop abandoning yourself to keep everything else functioning. And so, yeah, that's where you don't have to just play that charade all the time and just keep that armor on you. And it's heavy, it's like carrying rocks around. You don't want to do that all the time. And as I always go back to that flo like that metaphor of like carrying a backpack, right? All the time. Of you, you wanna, you know, kind of go through the motions, but you don't want to show people all those emotions, right? All the things that you're going on inside. And and it's raw, and it is really raw. And it is, especially if you're going through it emotionally, like I am right now, like just go hormonally, um, being very vulnerable. Sometimes it's like, yeah, you burst out crying out of nowhere. And so you want like when you have that armor on, you don't want to be open like that with anybody. And because you cried doesn't mean that you don't have strength. You actually do, you're very strong. And as I always say, like the challenges and stuff don't always happen just to anybody. Like divine God Source chooses those warriors that are going to go through it. So it's bestowed on you. It is bestowed on you. And so for me, like this whole journey and all the different things that have happened in my life, they're shaped me into the person and the woman I am today. And the best gift that I can give to my kids or to anybody around me is just knowing that you can move through things. But yeah, it's going to take some time. But knowing that difference between strength and armor, yeah, that's that's been a tough one for me to kind of like assimilate, right? Um and take off that armor. So that's yeah.

Guided Softening And Letting Go

SPEAKER_01 22:55

So I want to invite you to do an intimate softening practice with me. And so I want to make sure that if you are driving or doing something that needs your full attention, simply listen and return to this practice later. And if you are somewhere safe, place a hand over your heart or wherever your body wants to your hand to rest, and you put it also on your belly. And I want you to take a slow breath in and let it out without forcing anything. And ask yourself, what am I carrying right now? Not what should you be carrying, not what everyone expects you to carry, but what is actually weighing on you right this instant? And again, just breathe in and breathe out, and just see what comes up for you and honor that thought that comes to you and notice it. Now I ask, what am I afraid will happen if I put it down? Will someone be disappointed? Will things be imperfect? Will you have to admit that you need help? Will you finally feel the emotions you have been outrunning? Again, just notice what you notice. And again, take a deep breath in if you need to. And out. Let one answer come. Do not try to solve your whole life in this moment. Maybe you need to ask your partner for something specific. Maybe you need to tell a friend, I don't need advice. I just need you to listen. Maybe you need to say no. Maybe you need to leave one thing unfinished and let that be okay. Maybe you need to cry without apologizing for it. So again, I welcome you to take a deep breath in and exhale. Now quietly say to the strong version of you, thank you for carrying me. Thank you for getting me here. You do not have to carry everything anymore. I am allowed to be supported. I am allowed to soften. I am still strong when I receive.

SPEAKER_00 26:47

Now again, you can breathe in and hold it, and then breathe out when you're ready, you can come back. And see what other things come up for you.

One Small Act Of Receiving

SPEAKER_00 27:39

This week, I do not want you to transform your entire life.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

I want you to practice one small act of receiving. So I want you to choose one, okay? Not all of them, or I mean brownie points if you go for all of them, but ask for help before you reach your breaking point. Tell someone how you are actually feeling, and you can proactively do that. Or you can allow another person to complete a task without correcting how they do it. You just let them be and let them take their best stab at it. Say no without giving a long explanation, or receive a compliment without deflecting on it. Like, oh no, thank you. Um, that's not me, or this and that, you know, just accept it. Rest while something remains unfinished. You don't have to do that laundry to do lust, or let someone love you without immediately trying to earn it back. So notice what comes up in your body.

SPEAKER_00 28:40

Is it guilt, anxiety, relief, or the urge to take control again? Do not judge it, just notice it.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

You are showing your nervous system that support can be safe, that rest can be safe, that you can loosen your grip, okay, without losing yourself. And if for some reason something feels like on like it doesn't feel right in your body, or you kind of spiral, or you you catch yourself, but you want to kind of center yourself, I would open up to crossing your hand, your arms, like crisscross on your on yourself, and then you just tap your shoulders and just breathe. That sends a signal to your nervous system that I am safe in this body. So hopefully that practice helps. Of course, when you're out and about, you can't be, you know, doing this all the time, right? Kind of like, woo-hoo, I'm going around. Um, but you could definitely take a moment to go into the bathroom or a private space, and then you could just go ahead and just like regulate yourself. So that's a really good practice that I love to love to do when I'm feeling kind of like the the tippy cup kind of like rolling out of proportion there. So

Closing Truths And Sharing Prompt

SPEAKER_01 30:01

this has been quite a bit good episode. Um, I love recording, and of course, my eye, thank you for kind of handling or going through the motions there with me. But Mihita, I know you are strong. I know how many times you have made a way when there did not seem to be one. I know how often you have kept moving because people depended on you, like you are the chingona. But you do not have to prove your strength through exhaustion, okay? Just go, go, go. You do not have to earn rest by reaching your breaking point. You do not have to protect everyone from the truth of how you feel, okay? So again, with the armor. And you do not have to keep performing unfine while quietly falling apart inside. There is room for the capable woman and the tender woman, okay? So we have both. There is room for the leader and the woman who needs to be held. There's room for your power and your softness. So that's the beauty of kind of living all these things all at once. They were never opposites. You can be strong and supportive, you can be dependable and have needs. You can have you can love people without abandoning yourself, and you can put something down before your body forces you to. Okay, so like my a, right? I'm forcing to be like going it slow. And that's my friendly reminder, mi jaloncito de orejas. So I'm a gita. You don't have to hold it together all together to be worthy of love. If a woman, while you're listening to this, came to mind the friend, the sister, la comadre, your mom, a coworker, or who is always holding everything together, you can share this episode with her. But do not send her only the link and a message that says, you do not have to carry everything with me. I'm here. And if you are that woman, send this episode to someone you trust and let it open a conversation. You can simply say, This is what I have been trying to put into words. And before you go, I would love for you to sit with this question. What is one thing you are ready to stop carrying alone? So just think about it. So until next time, embrace your races, reclaim your essential, and come home to yourself. And I'm you are allowed to be held too. Alrighty, love you so much. Hasta la próxima. Besitos in una fuerte abrazo. And again, right. Alright, love you. See you next time.