Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia.

Guilt, Rest, and the First-Gen Struggle

• Dora Alicia Praxedis • Episode 2

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Breaking generational cycles begins with naming the wounds we never asked for but carry nonetheless. As first-generation children of immigrants, many of us inherited unspoken rules that shaped our relationship with emotions, rest, achievement, and self-worth. We became the responsible ones, the translators, the overachievers – praised for our strength while silently carrying burdens beyond our years.

Drawing from my own journey as a first-gen Mexicana, I explore how cultural sayings like "calladita te ves más bonita" (you look prettier when quiet) became blueprints for how we navigate the world. These patterns don't just disappear in adulthood – they transform into people-pleasing, perfectionism, burnout, and a profound discomfort with vulnerability. Remember feeling guilty when you were sick as a child? That might explain why you still struggle to rest without feeling you need to earn it.

The first-gen pressure carries unique weight: our success becomes the justification for our parents' sacrifices. We're taught that family is everything (la familia es todo), mental health struggles are weakness, and independence means betrayal. These conflicting messages leave many of us in perpetual survival mode, disconnected from our authentic selves and deepest needs.

Yet healing is possible. It begins with curiosity rather than judgment, asking where these beliefs came from and whether they still serve us. Breaking cycles doesn't mean rejecting our culture or dishonoring our ancestors – it means fulfilling their deepest wish for us to be free. Through awareness, compassion, and reparenting our inner child, we can honor our roots while planting something new.

Ready to explore your own healing journey? Grab your journal and reflect: What weren't you allowed to express growing up? What part of yourself is asking to be seen now? Join our healing comunidad by subscribing, sharing with friends who need to hear this message, and connecting directly through the links below.

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Email: dora@dorapraxedis.com

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Dora:

Hola, hola and welcome back to Ay Mijita. I'm your host, Dora Alicia Praxedis. If this is your first time here, be metics. This space is for first-gen souls ready to break cycles, reclaim their esencia and embrace their raices with love and honesty. Today we're talking about something deep el trauma generacional, the things we inherited but never asked for. The silence, the guilt, the pressure to survive, succeed and sacrifice. This episode is about naming those wounds so we can begin to alchemize them into wisdom. Hola, hola and welcome to Ay Mijita, embracing your Roots. I'm your host, Dora Alicia Praxedis.

Dora:

Intuitive healer, life coach, mamá hija hermana y proud first-gen mexicana doing the deeper inner work to break generational cycles and reconnect with my true self. This podcast is pa' ti who's ever asked yourself why am I like this? Because, deep down, you know there's more to your story than just survival. Here we dive into the messy, the magical, the medicine of healing, from inner child work to energetic limpias, astrology to ancestral wisdom, human design to hard boundaries. I share my lived experiences, spiritual tools and teachable moments, all with corazón y honestidad. So grab your cafecito tecito or that bubbly drink you love and let's get into today's episode, porque tu historia, tu voz y tu healing matter.

Dora:

Many of us grew up with unspoken rules Don't talk back, don't cry, be grateful. And while our caregivers may have done their best, they were often carrying unhealed wounds. So we became the ones who smiled even when it hurt, the ones who felt guilty for wanting more. That's generational conditioning, so it's not necessarily about the obvious things like abuse and neglect. For me, growing up, that's where I could definitely pinpoint to it wasn't allowed to demonstrate emotion, so I always expected to be the strong one, to suppress those emotions and not be able to cry about certain things, even if they wounded me deeply. Also, being soft, like having that softness. You wanted to be like hard, strong, don't demonstrate vulnerability. And so also play like there are times where like play wasn't allowed, like we needed to actually work, like clean and do things around the house, um and and that shows up as well in that generational trauma, and so it kind of hides in these things when we especially when we make mistakes.

Dora:

That's where making mistakes I would feel horrible as a kid, because I wanted to make sure I pleased my parents, pleased those around me, pleased my teachers and those adults that cared for me, and so people pleasing. That's when it rooted, that's when it started, and in order to overcompensate some of these things when I would feel like shitty I would overachieve, just to feel like I had that sense of worthiness, I would overperform, especially when it came to the grades, I always strive for the A's, strive to get in on the honors classes, honor roll, do all the things just to make myself feel like I am worth of having the life I'm having, or having that joy that just to be happy, I needed to make everybody else happy first. And it also shows up as patterns of over-apologizing, like if you feel the need to apologize for who you are because it doesn't please someone else. That's another way that it shows up being hyper vigilant, like always on a defensive, thinking that you're going to get shamed or made fun of, and one of the things that I remember getting made fun of was needing to earn that rest. So that was something that if I needed to just take a nap during the weekend, or that if I needed to just take a nap during the weekend or that, or like didn't want to clean, or that I was considered lazy. I want to take time for myself. So ever since I was little, I was very conditioned to work hard, and that's one thing. I definitely am very grateful to my parents that they instilled that work hard and work ethic in me, and that is something that has definitely taken me through adulthood.

Dora:

Trauma isn't just what happened to you, it's also what didn't happen to you the affection, the rest, the conversations. We never had, the freedom we didn't feel safe to claim. However, there was things that were pretty deep, like, for example, when I would go and translate for my parents. I would learn a lot about them and that because they the doctor or the bank or various things that came in the mail, I would end up translating them to the best of my ability at a very short age, like around nine or 10. I was already translating for my parents and then for those around me, and it felt good to help out my parents and especially feel that praise right that I actually did something to contribute to the family. And that's where the overachiever was born, that excelling and trying to do all these various things for my parents and perform in school settings and at home and in other areas. That's where I thought I would receive more love. When I was little, I became the strong one real quick because I was praised for how responsible I was, but no one asked how I felt, and years later that turned into emotional numbness, resentment and burnout.

Dora:

And one story that I remember from my childhood is whenever I felt sick at school, I would need to call my parents, and my dad was the one that worked the second shift, so he would be home or he would go into work early and I would need to call my parents, and my dad was the one that worked the second shift, so he would be home or he would go into work early and I would need to call him. Every time I called my dad, I felt like I was getting reprimanded for being sick. So I remember walking down to the office to the school nurse and calling my dad and before I even picked up the phone I began to cry. And that was something that I knew deep in my gut that my dad would reprimand me for being sick. I felt like it was my fault that I got sick, that I threw up at school, and I had to call him. He had to get out of work, even though he worked very close by like around five to ten minutes drive, and I would think he's all upset. So with that experience, I would always feel like I can't get sick because that would upset my dad so much, because he has to get out of work and I inconvenienced him and I felt guilty for feeling sick.

Dora:

So, throughout my adulthood, anytime I would get sick, I would push through it because, again, we don't demonstrate vulnerability. We can never get sick. We need to go, go, go, keep going, keep doing and deliver, even though that, for me, would compromise health and trying to get better. I did not understand the concept that mom or dad had to stay home with you and take care of you, because my dad would just drop me off at like when I was nine, 10, maybe he would buy me something to eat like, such as McDonald's, like my favorite was a Big Mac with fries and that was supposed to make me feel better after I threw up. And that was the type of conditioning that I received when I was growing up.

Dora:

Resting, feeling sick came across as being lazy. If you wanted to rest and recover, there was no going to the doctor making sure you didn't have strep throat, the flu. Now, with COVID, there was no testing. There was no going to the doctor and trying to figure out if there's anything serious going on with you, because my parents and I, we didn't know better. We thought those things don't happen Until later in life, when one of my siblings had a medical emergency. That's when we finally realized the importance of going to get checked, going to the doctor and doing your due diligence in order to make sure that you're well, that your well-being is in the forefront. So this pressure came to make my family proud, always by sacrificing my joy or my well-being, which that did I later discover was not the normal or a way of living that I needed to prioritize myself.

Dora:

Culturally. There's a lot going on here with my parents' upbringing and their childhood traumas. It just was a cycle and it became over and over. We grew up thinking it's normal to ignore our needs to put everyone before us. Cultural values like respeto and familia are beautiful, but when taken to the extreme, they can become cages. Healing means honoring the good while releasing the parts that keep us small.

Dora:

There was quite a few dichos growing up, like, por ejemplo, calladita te ves mas bonita. That means keeping quiet, you look prettier. Also, another kind of saying in English is less is more, and so it's kind of like suppressing those emotions that I was feeling, or that's something that I would see in common Mexican culture is you don't speak back or you don't speak up. You have to keep quiet. You just have to take it. You don't have to challenge what you're being told, especially by your parents or your elders. You have to accept the way things are. The other dicho that I grew up with was la familia es todo right, like blood supersedes any other relationships, and so that I did experience firsthand when my family like my mom, dad, my sisters and I we were a nucleus family, but then, when I decided to leave the nest with my boyfriend because we had our daughter, that became an issue right, and there was a lot of contrast there, a lot of conflict there, and I will definitely leave that story for another episode.

Dora:

The other thing that I should touch upon is that shame-based narrative around mental health, where, for example, mi abuelita she suffers from ansiedad, and even with my immediate family, like, for example, my husband, or here at home, like sometimes, these things come across as like, if you go seek help with a psychiatrist or a professional help, que es pa' locos, right, it's for the crazy. Especially when I was going through my pregnancies, I did suffer from depression, and the first time around, because I was 16, my parents just thought I was sad and I would cry myself to sleep every day, thinking that this is just the life, right, this is how it's supposed to be for me. Because I made all these choices and decisions my friends not speaking to me in high school and definitely not having that social life as I did with them prior to my pregnancy, I was very sad and I wasn't clinically depressed because I did not seek help at that point in time. But my second time around, pregnancy wise, I was clinically depressed, and you have these options of taking medications or going through the motions of getting counseling and seeking that help every week and feeling supported.

Dora:

But for those around me it just looked like I just wanted to be lazy, that I just wanted to sleep all day, que no quería hacer, nada, era una floja y no quería limpiar. So I didn't want to clean or do anything around the house. And of course, it wasn't even like that. It was just I didn't know how to regulate my emotions. I didn't even know what was going on with myself. I just felt all this like grief, even feeling, of the life I had. And so that touches about another point on sexuality.

Dora:

My parents never really talked to me about those things. They just thought, okay, you just go to school, come home and that's it. No boyfriends, no, nothing. It was a very strict household where we couldn't go out at all. And when I came to my freshman year I realized, well, that's not how I want to live my life. I want to go out. So I started to rebel. So that was definitely when I became rebellious with them in my freshman year, snuck out. That was definitely when I became rebellious with them in my freshman year, snuck out. And I remember when I got my period at age 10, my mom said oh, you can get pregnant from now on. No context, not periods come every month, that type of thing or the regularity.

Dora:

They believe strongly that the school system teaches you everything you needed to know, and so that was a huge misconception. And for me, if I couldn't approach my parents, I felt afraid asking for help with anybody, even my friends. I felt like I was the one that didn't know better and in reality I was living under a rock. But I did not want to admit it. I didn't want to feel like an outsider, like I was weird or I was any different. So I did want to have this sense of belonging. So, again, just being shamed into falling under these beliefs that didn't really serve me at that point in time. They were not supportive of anything, they just caused me to sink deeper in this hole of unknown with my emotions that I did not know how to regulate, or even identify, for that matter. Which leads me to how does trauma show up in adulthood? This could be feeling emotionally disconnected or numb. I would definitely feel disconnected with my emotions because I would just ignore them and I would numb myself with things such as working so hard or overworking.

Dora:

There's guilt around resting or saying no. As we discussed before, saying no is not a sentence. Sometimes for individuals, they want to see why you have a no, and sometimes that guilt is so big that you forego doing things just to feel like you'd have to deliver to others' needs and not your own. So it's, in a sense, overriding your own system, your own body. Another way this shows up is hyper-independence, like making sure you don't need anybody around you. Burnout, overworking so that caused me to burn out to the point where I hurt my back and I couldn't walk for two weeks, also never asking for help. That is another area that I thought oh no, I'm a chingona, I could do this all on my own, I don't need anybody else.

Dora:

You also. You question your identity, belonging, your worthiness because you need to fit the mold in culturally. This is how we've been wired, this is how we've just brought up throughout our childhood, and so we think that is a normal behavior. Have you ever felt guilty for doing what's right for you, for saying no, for resting, for choosing a different path than your family expected? That's not just your voice, that's the inherited belief that our worth is tied to how much we give, how much we carry. This often shows up in work, our friendships and even how we show up for ourselves. If we're always performing strength, we miss out on the softness we deserve, and in order not to get hurt, we avoid intimacy or to be seen. We feel like we need to overshare, and so that is very confusing.

Dora:

Control for safety. I would consider myself a person that is very controlling. I like things a certain type of way. I also want to know what's going to happen from A to Z. I want all the steps. So that's another area for me personally that I've struggled with. Knowing all the things and for me, I do admit, like staying in that survival mode of the hustle of the sacrifice of the perfection, have always been so normal for me. And stepping out of that and knowing what it is to have calm, peace and joy, those are two different lifestyles.

Dora:

In addition to everything else, we always have this chronic guilt or fear of disappointing those around us, especially our elders, and so that definitely was something with my parents that I wanted to perform. I wanted to make sure that they were proud of me. Even though I never really heard that from their mouths, I would always hear that from third parties, like my aunt or uncle or someone else saying oh I was talking to your ma or your pa and they were telling me that they were very proud of you. But not hearing it from their mouths really is like a deep wound that I had to endure over time. So this shows up in so many of us staying in jobs that we hate relationships that drain us because at least it's stable, right, and in quotes, we think breaking a pattern means betraying your family, but staying stuck is betraying ourselves actually. Pattern means betraying your family, but staying stuck is betraying ourselves actually. So let's get into a little more on that survival mode and the first gen pressure.

Dora:

My parents always told me, you know, they came here to give us a better life. They wanted us to be us, meaning my sisters and I to be better. And watching them work two, three jobs just to maintain the household, give us our needs, we should be grateful. Right Like that was love for them. The way my mom cooks, like that's the way she loves keeping the house clean, everything tidy, that was her way of demonstrating love to us and to her husband and then my dad. It was being that father figure of working so hard, being that father figure of working so hard, and so for them they missed out completely on spending time with us. Our time together was limited, but I don't necessarily remember the quality time of loving each other, of hugging each other, of saying we love each other and that is the story of many immigrant families the parents especially, where they didn't have time to sleep, much less like watch TV and do all the things with the family, plan trips together, and so that was something that wasn't part of our lives on a day to day, like getting dinner together, everybody kind of came and went whenever they wanted.

Dora:

So missing out on that that created that survival mode right that I needed to watch out for myself and for my sisters, me being the oldest, at the age of five. I was always around them and I was looked at like, oh, take care of them. And then at seven, I remember just babysitting them all by myself. Now, when we would get together as, like our extended family, my mom's brothers would get together and then her sisters later on. That was something that you know, my parents always liked to play that competition game of who's going to be la primera to succeed, and I think that's why, when I went to college, even taking that step to go to college, I felt like none of my family went on to schooling. Graduated high school was barely on my hit list because of my pregnancy, my sophomore year in high school.

Dora:

So going on to college, that was kind of like my ticket out, right that I wanted to have a better life for myself, for my daughter, and then Philly, my now husband, my boyfriend at the time. He always wanted what was best for me, what was going to make me happy, what was going to pay off for our daughter, regardless if we were together or not. The other feeling I got was I always have to pay them back with my life my parents because of all the sacrifices and everything that I did. So being successful was one way that I could attribute it to them. Like, for example, when the elders for us, it's in the Mexican culture instead of putting them in nursing homes, it's like you have them living with you because you need to be their caretaker when they're elderly. And if you err for the other side, like putting them in a nursing homes, it's like you have them living with you because you need to be their caretaker when they're elderly. And if you err for the other side, like putting them in a nursing home, then that goes to show that you don't love them, you didn't appreciate them.

Dora:

But that is definitely not how it truly is. It's more of like what does that person need? Right? And I did work in a nursing home for a couple of years when I was in college and it was such an eye-awakening experience for me, seeing it firsthand, like the families and the elders, and how their mental, emotional and physical well-being kind of deteriorated very fast for some of them because they had dementia and things of that nature and and I saw firsthand for the families it was so hard. But then again, who's going to take care of them and what's going to get them that care that they need?

Dora:

And because you're so busy trying to survive and with all this pressure, there is no emotional room. Because you're always performing, you're always trying to see what's the next thing, instead of sitting there and processing the things that were going on with you. It's like you're in it, right? You're in this fight or flight mode. Our parents were surviving, not always thriving. They didn't have that luxury to pause and process, but we do, and when we do that inner work, we're not disrespecting them. We're fulfilling their deepest wish for us to be free and we are their prayer. We are eventually going to be better than them and more aware than them, because I have a philosophy once you learn something or become aware of something, you can't unlearn it anymore.

Dora:

What does the path to healing look like? The first step is becoming aware of what is going on with you, like taking that moment to pause and really dig deep into the emotions, what's physically going on, closing your eyes, being in tune with your body. Healing begins with curiosity when we ask where did this belief come from? Why do I feel like I need to earn rest or love or joy? That's where we start to reparent ourselves by offering the compassion we didn't receive. And one can reparent your inner child, and this is regardless of your gender or your age, and through this podcast we'll talk about how you can reparent your inner child.

Dora:

But it's giving yourself permission to live differently and release that guilt that you're hanging on to, naming your truth and honoring your healing and prioritizing it. Of course, one needs to be open in order to receive right. So if you want to work through these things, that's where you need to really honor yourself and where you're at, cut yourself some love and grace and understand that this is going to be a process and it might be a painful one, but the other side, that other side of the bridge, is so much better. That's where the rainbows and the unicorns and everything live. And healing doesn't mean blaming. It means honoring that. We come from strong roots and now we get to plant something new. We are allowed to choose peace, even if no one else around you understands it yet, you are the one your ancestors dreamed of. Breaking the cycle doesn't mean breaking the connection. It just means restoring it with more light. And we'll get into that spiritual and ancestral healing as well in this podcast.

Dora:

But for now, I think this is more than enough. Treat this journey as healing, as you remember your wholeness, all of you, the light and the dark. Take a deep breath, check in. Did any of this land in your body? I want you to grab your journal and, if it did, and pause this. If you like to go, get that pen and paper and I invite you to reflect. What were you expected to be growing up? What weren't you allowed to express? What weren't you allowed to express? What part of yourself is asking to be seen ahora, right now. And if you want to skip the writing it down, you can talk to a trusted friend. And if you're ready to explore this work más profundo, send me a message. Down below in the show notes, I have a place where you can click and send me a message directly. I hold space for folks doing this brave, beautiful work of remembering who they are beneath the noise, with love, clarity and ancestral wisdom.

Dora:

And I pulled a card from one of my favorite decks called the Healing the Inner Child Oracle by Nina Monandry. I probably butchered her name. I'm so sorry. I know the feeling because a lot of people butcher my name, braxedis. And so it says inside the box. It's so beautiful. It says no matter what your childhood was like, it's never too late to heal.

Dora:

And the card I pulled was 14 trust. And it's this one gal. She's on like these balloons looking thing and she's trying to walk this tightrope and she has angels flying around her and it looks like a sunset, very beautiful picture. And so this one it's the invitation of the tarot begins with the fool stepping into the unknown, seemingly off a cliff. It is the ultimate beginning and the end of a journey full of innocent trust, realizing that nothing is within our control, blissfully surrendering the constant worries and fears of the mind. The full archetype stands for the faith that everything is always working in our best interest. The woman in this card is stepping into the complete unknown. Yet she is not alone. There are wings at her back and guides cheering her on. She knows there is no going back. This card is an invitation to step into surrender with the deep trust that you are supported and the universe will not let you fall.

Dora:

Inner Child Children have no choice but to trust. Babies are completely vulnerable and must have faith that they will be fed and clothed, but if care is denied or withheld over time, you might have lost trust in your caregivers. Today, it is essential that your younger self trusts you. Each time you honor your inner child's feelings without explaining them away. They trust you a little more when you spend time with your inner child, listen and ask questions. Their faith in you increases until one day there is no separation between you. Hold your inner child's hands, look into their eyes and say out loud little one. Together we will trust life again.

Dora:

The journey when are you holding on tightly at the moment? Kick off your shoes, lean back into a chair, close your eyes and imagine yourself outside of your home, looking into the window, observing yourself. Go about your day, notice what it is like. Are you at ease? Are your movements slow and content or fearful and anxious? How are you spending your time? Are you dancing, smiling? Don't judge. Simply continue to observe. Now invite into the scene the version of you that trusts. How does she move? How does she prepare a meal? What is she spending her time doing at home? If you can imagine it, you can experience it. There is no difference. Step into the soft clouds and embraced by the love within you and all around you. Gracias for being here and holding space for this truth.

Dora:

Next week, we'll explore limpias spiritual cleansings and how our ancestors moved energy when things felt heavy. Until then, keep softening into your truth, embrace your raices, reclaim your esencia. Nos vemos pronto. Gracias por acompañarme, cariño. I hope this episode offered you a moment of connection with your story, your ancestors, or maybe even a part of yourself you've forgotten. Remember, healing isn't linear. Sometimes it's a whisper, a boundary, a quiet no mas. Other times it's a breakthrough that shifts everything. Whatever it is for you today, honor it. You're not alone on this path. If this episode resonated, please share it with an hermana hermano, a prima primo or a comadre who needs to hear it too. Leave a review, hit, subscribe and let's keep building this healing comunidad together. Till next time, keep embracing your raices, reclaiming your esencia and walking your path Pa dentro y pa fuera.