How To Honor Loss Without Performing Through The Holidays

The holidays can be beautiful—and brutal. We open our hearts to the truth that celebrations don’t create grief; they reveal it. From empty chairs to evolving traditions, we talk candidly about what it feels like when love has no easy place to land and why presence beats performance every time.

I share stories of family gatherings that changed shape, the tenderness of spotting red cardinals that feel like a wink from loved ones, and the quiet ache of doing less when your body asks for rest. We name how “being agreeable” can turn into armor, how that armor leaks into irritability or numbness, and how real leadership starts with letting softness stand beside strength. If you’ve ever hosted while holding back tears or kept the peace by abandoning yourself, this conversation meets you right where you are.

You’ll learn gentle, practical ways to honor who you miss without disappearing yourself: lighting a candle, speaking their names, shifting traditions, leaving early, or choosing sacred rest. We unpack boundaries using the “house and fence” metaphor so you can decide who gets access—and how far—without guilt. Then we ground it all with a simple breath ritual and three truths to anchor your nervous system: I don’t need to perform to be worthy. I don’t need to rush my healing. I choose truth over tradition.

If this season feels different, it’s because you are different. Integration over fixing, discernment over guilt, presence over performance. Tune in, take what you need, and let your body lead. If this resonated, subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more listeners can find a softer way through the holidays.

Chapters

• 0:00 Dedication And Naming Grief
• 2:05 Holidays Reveal What Hurts
• 4:05 Performance Versus Presence
• 7:15 Memories, Hosting, And Family Shifts
• 10:55 Letting Emotions Have Space
• 13:45 The Strong One’s Exhaustion
• 17:20 Slowing Down And Doing Less
• 20:05 Symbols, Signs, And Quiet Comfort

Transcript

Dora: 0:02

Before we talk about the holidays, before we talk about grief, before we talk about anything else, I want to dedicate this episode to my dad. This past week marks six years since he passed. Six years of learning how to live with love that no longer has a physical place to land. And I share this because of for many of us, the holidays don't bring just joy, they bring memory. So if you're listening and your body already feels tight, if your chest feels heavy, if you're tired before the gatherings even begin, you're not broken. You're remembering. So let this be an invitation to today's episode. And definitely go through the motions of feeling all the feels. And whatever comes up for you, just honor it in your body, in your mind, in your spirit, in whatever messages are coming through, just know that those have special meaning. And whatever we're going through at this particular moment, we are enjoying the holidays, but then there's also that duality, right? Of the all the feelings of feeling sad, angry, resentful, or just feeling that bliss and that peace that we are where we are at this particular moment, at this particular time. And it's a moment of reflection. Let me say this clearly, especially for the woman listening who is waking up, evolving, and leading herself differently. The holidays are not a performance, but we are taught to treat them like it is one. You have to smile, hosting, showing up, not complaining for about anything, not crying and holding back those tears in your eyes, like when you wail up. Like, don't bring up the hard stuff, right? We don't want to think about those things. And especially as Latinas. We are taught that being good means being agreeable. So many of us walk into the holiday spaces already bracing ourselves. Like the body already remembers. Oh goodness, this is we're enjoying the bride here. So who do I need to be today? And I know for some of us we're celebrating the holidays, like Christmas, Christmas Eve, the 12 days of holiday, 12 days of Christmas are kicking off. So what version of me is safest here? So this episode is for the woman who's tired of pretending. The holidays don't create grief. They reveal it. They are revealing who's missing, they reveal what's changed, they reveal what's it that you've been carrying quietly for years. For me, my dad's anniversary around this time always reminds me that grief doesn't disappear, especially the loved ones. I remember gathering when my grandpa was still alive. We went we did a white elephant, which we normally do every year, and we did this one for Christmas as well. Um, and just I remember as a little kid though, gathering, and we would do Secret Santa, and all my mom's brothers and sisters would get together. And I remember one particular Christmas, like all my family was here from my mom's side, my grandma and my grandpa, having three generations in a room just felt so so enlightening. And so now that I remember all those times, like recreating that for my kids, we do have my my sisters that come over and we host, and for me it just comes so natural to host. But this year I kind of laid back and let everybody else kind of do the work. Not that I was a flocha, it's just it's it was different this year, but I'm learning to integrate that grief, the grief of the life I knew, the grief of and it's giving me this moment in time now where I'm I'm dealing with it, right? It it integrates so deeply in my skin, in my wound. It's um I'm I'm I'm healing, right? And when you don't give it space, it comes out sideways as irritability, exhaustion, numbness, and or resentment. That doesn't mean you're ungrateful, it just means your body is asking to be acknowledged. And so for me, it just lands like my chest gets heavy, like knotted in my in my stomach, in my pit in my stomach. Um, I tend to shed a tear or two because obviously I remember those that I love. And unfortunately, too, there's a lot of family drama that we just can't all get together anymore like we used to when I was like a little kid. But then again, everybody has their own family, and as we love to say, like of their own pedos, their own drama, their own farts. And that's how just life is. And this time around, we were able to host also a good friend of mine and her family, and just seeing that Christmas joy, it it feels so great. But then again, it's like it's speaking, it's not speaking the like what everybody's thinking, right? Is the I wish I would I wish that person was here, or I wish like my dad was in the room, even though like there's a lot of Christmases that I did not want him there, or my husband didn't go because they just wouldn't get along. And then also this Christmas, there was also sickness and illness. And I remember last year I got COVID and we had to cancel Christmas. Like I got it right before my birthday. I remember my mom, she was hosting in her house, and I went to the immediate care that morning, and I found out I had COVID. We needed to cancel. And my mom and my sisters were they brought me food to the door, they were so sweet. And then this time around, we actually had something similar happen with my in-laws. They got sick with influenza, and that just re-remembered like how we just canceled Christmas, and that was gonna be the first Christmas we all spent together. So we did miss them. I missed them dearly, and we play had Secret Santa. Unfortunately, they did drop off their gifts beforehand, but it wasn't the same, it was not the same. And I know for my husband that that hurt in a bit, in a way, because it's like you know, they're ill, they're not able to enjoy. But here we are, and in the body, when those emotions come up, that's where we need to honor them and again give it space. Let's talk about the woman I know is listening, and that's the Sagred Latina. She's strong, she's capable, she's the one others lean on, and she's tired, and she's grieving people, versions of herself, dreams, timelines, and still showing up on a daily basis, day by day, decision by decision. Many of us learned early if you if I don't hold it together, everything falls apart. So the holidays become another place where we abandon ourselves in the name of peace. Like just keep the keep the drama, no drama, right? No drama zone. But here's the truth that changes everything. You are not meant to heal alone, and you are not meant to lead from depletion, and so around these holidays, it's where we have a little bit more time to slow down, we have time to reflect on how far we've come, and the woman that you are right here, right now, and you're listening around this time of the holidays, it's we're grieving those again, those parts of us that are no longer around. For me, it shows up as like I'm not moving around, I'm not cooking, I wasn't cooking this year. Um, I made an appearance at the gym, but instead of doing my workout class like I normally would, and like eat everything I want, I did a few laps around the track. And it was bitter sheet for me because I'm so used to doing more. And this time around, it's like I needed to sit back. And I saw this also witnessed it with other people around me that that are going through an illness. Um and it's so hard when you can't participate like you normally would, and give it your all, and and even exceed your all. That is mucho más de lo que lo que normalmente does, like give way more than you normally would give. And I love the wrapping the presents, and I love all the things. But that's where we need to honor that and not abandon ourselves. I want to share something tender. Losing my dad didn't just break my heart, especially when his anniversary is around the holidays, like a few days before Christmas. It reshaped how I lead myself. It taught me that strength without softness becomes armor. And armor is heavy, step us out. And six years later, I don't grieve him the same way, but I grieve more honestly. I allow myself to slow down, to feel, to choose depth over performance, and that choice that's leadership in and of itself. If I want to cry, I cry. If something reminds me of my loved ones, I take a deep breath and I sit with it, and I remember whatever comes up to me. Um, actually, a few days ago, I was sitting in the living room and I was for some reason I was looking outside, and no joke, I saw um two cardinals just fly by. And for me, cardinals feels like my dad, my loved ones, my grandpa, and they tend to come visit. So that's my my symbol for my loved ones coming to visit me is the red cardinal. And it's just like a wink, you know, like the God wink or angel wink of hey, I'm still with and I'm still around you, and remember me. And I find that so symbolic. Honoring all those things that come through. And it's just a matter of slowing down and paying attention to what are the messages that are coming through for you, and it could be in that way, um, of like a specific symbol that you remember that person with. And instead of getting sad for me at times, it's like I just smile because I'm like, thank you, thank you for sending that symbol, thank you for sending me that message. You can honor who you've lost without disappearing yourself. Honor might look like lighting a candle, speaking their name, changing traditions, and making sure that they have like a place in the celebration. It's also saying no, like saying no to the stuff that's not valid, the things that don't resonate with you any longer. It also could be leaving early, like peacing out. You don't have to stay there if you don't feel comfortable and allow yourself to it well, allow or give yourself permission to actually like bow out. And it might also look like choosing rest. And honestly, today, Christmas Day, I my husband and I we binge watched um something on Netflix for eight episodes that were 15 minutes long, and I didn't even go to the bathroom, and we didn't even eat, and I think we ended up coming down going downstairs to get something to eat like at 3:30 in the afternoon, and we started watching this like show like eight o'clock in the morning, and that felt so good, tan rico pasarla, like just go through the you know, just being together and quality time for my husband is spending time together. And it feels nice because I don't necessarily have an agenda of what to do. Usually every day I wake up and I'm like, okay, baby Jesus, like what we gotta do today. It's like I really ask God, it's like what just let me be the vessel to whatever I that it is that I need to do. And today was not one of those days. Today was actually just live, enjoy, rest, relax, do something mind-numbing. And so honoring is not just about recreating the past all the time, it's about integrating love into who you are becoming and the woman you are becoming. She doesn't need to perform for approval, she needs to listen to her body. And today I felt and I needed that rest, that sacred rest. I want you to hear this as an initiation, not a failure. If this holiday season feels different, it's because you are different. Boundaries don't mean you love less, they mean you love with discernment, and that guilt you feel, that's not intuition, that's conditioning unraveling. So welcome it in. You know, actually, um, this week someone came over and we had a beautiful conversation around boundaries. And my favorite metaphor about the house and the fence, and how you invite people into your house intimately, all the way from like the fence, you take them to the door, you keep, you know, they come over for a party, and then you invite them over for dinner. And once the relationship gets intimate, it's like you invite them to your bedroom, to your bathroom is like the last stop, you know, and that's where we get to dictate how we show up in relationships, how we show up to places, how we go about interacting with those people that we love and cherish so much. But then again, we kind of sometimes have to love from apart. Like, there's people in my life that I can only tolerate like 30 minutes, an hour, maybe tops. And sometimes I have to bow out because it's just not for me. And some people know my look. Um, when I'm in a conversation, it's and I'm not engaged, like I'm like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And how's that working out for you? That's where some people get the clue of, like, yeah, Dora's not interested, which that's perfectly fine. I don't, I I mean, I not that I could care less, but and not that I'm indifferent, it's more of I've learned how to protect my energy when I go to places, and that is so sacred for me now, and that for me took years to learn is what is the leaky boat, right? If you're and somebody put it so nicely, if you're navigating in a boat and you're you have holes or cracks in the boat, you're gonna leak and you're gonna sink because you're giving away that energy, and you're giving away your feeling of feeling okay or feeling fine, and sometimes you have to overcompensate in the positive for that negative leakage. So hopefully that makes sense for you. But that's where boundaries definitely welcome them in and try them on, like a pair of jeans or the stretchy pants, be flexible with whatever shows up. This is a ritual for the woman who is ready to lead herself differently. So place one hand on your heart and take deep breath into your nose and out through your mouth. You can do that two more times, so into your nose, out through your mouth, and one more time, and you can actually make some noise. So into your nose, out through your mouth, and bring to mind the person that version or season you're grieving. And you can rub your your chest, your heart, and say quietly, I don't need to perform to be worthy. I don't need to rush my healing. I choose truth over tradition and breathe that in. Let whatever comes come. This is the work. This is the remembering. This is the return. And you can pause this and you can take as long as you like to really see what comes up and honor that and and provide that sacred space for it. If you're listening to this and something inside you is stirring, a knowing, a readiness, a quiet I want more, that's not coincidence. That's your body recognizing safety, depth, and resonance. This next season isn't about fixing yourself. It's about being supported as you integrate who you are becoming. As these holidays start shifting and reflecting what is coming through for you, sit with that. And if you need to cry, cry. If you need to laugh, laugh. If something comes up, that's where honor it. Sit with it. And that could come in the shower. It could come as something coming through on the radio station, or now that we don't have that many radio stations, like a song that comes on. And especially with the holidays, like Christmas music, smells, different uh like the pine trees, cooking, food, like all those things just like are a burst of memories coming through. And enjoy, reminisce. And whatever emotions come through, that's where I'm your girl. Let me know. Hit me up. You know where to find me. And if not, just take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. And sit with it. Because it's such a magical moment what you're going through. And there's things that are shifting. There's things that are shifting in your body, in your mind, in your soul, in your spirit. There's so much stuff shifting. And that's on a cellular level. Things that we cannot see and quantify. But you know, and you sense it that there is something shifting in you. As we close, I want to leave you with this. The holidays don't have to be about performance, they can be about presence, they can be about choosing yourself, they can be about honoring the past without living there and reliving that those things that have come up if you don't choose to go there. If this episode touched you, stay close. We're continuing this conversation slowly, intentionally, together. And I Mijita, you don't need to hold it all alone anymore. Until next time, much saludos, felices fiestas, happy holidays, and I'm sending you a huge hug and so much love during this holiday season. And enjoy the rest of the few days of the year of 2025. And sending you unbezote. Much love. See you next time.